Lost in the Garden Project is a writing project that I would eventually like to create into a book. It is a work in progress and I will show the progress here. Basically I will be telling my testimony through a collection of my old prayer journal entries and short essays and stories. I will be sharing how I found Jesus in my childhood, struggled with temptations, ran from God, and how He found me and I experienced a grace and reconciliation that changed my life. The purpose is to show the power of God’s grace and to reach out to you out there who may be feeling lost or dealing with similar issues. Living for God is like tending to a garden to produce good, lasting fruit. It takes hard work and humility. But sometimes while trying to tend to our faith we get lost in the garden. We tend to think we can find our way on our own, but only Jesus can help us find our way.
I thought I found myself when I was eleven. I thought I had life figured out. But I saw my life go by with the lines in the asphalt. I have lost myself. I am scared of my own weakness. Breaking like twigs I snap; dying with every wrong choice I make. Life slowly has become a selfish search for what feels good. My morals have slowly been rationalized out of my life. How did existence become so complicated? Everything seemed so simple a few years ago. My choices were between, God and the devil, good and bad, guilt and peace, shame and confidence, and dishonesty and honesty. The choice was so obvious. When I made the choice at age eleven, to be a moral, God-fearing, honest person, I thought life was set and I just had to follow God’s plan for my life. But little did I know how difficult it would get. Between then and 13 years later, people have died, I made friends with people from very different lifestyles, I began to drink a lot, almost had sex with someone I don’t love, and I have begun to doubt God and the ideas about Him that I have learned all my life. I don’t recognize myself, or like myself really. I do have a lot of fun; probably more fun than I ever had. I feel accepted and loved by my friends, When I drink, my social phobia disappears. But I woke up this morning with the worst hangover I’ve ever had. My mom started crying and said she doesn’t know me anymore. I felt numb and just wanted to break down crying because I realized that I don’t know myself. I miss having a clear conscious. Many people used to look up to me for my strong convictions. I have become selfish and weak. I still love God. I still want His plan for me. But I feel God is crying because I am looking for happiness in empty bliss. I am doing things I never thought I would do.
I have a very hypocritical lifestyle right now. I feel two forces at war inside of me. I am afraid to break down because that means I have to change. Some things I know I can give up but some things I don’t know if I can. But I am hurting my family. I really truly want to love everyone and help those in need. I have will but no action. I know I need God. I can’t do this on my own. I know I am not perfect and cannot be perfect. I will not become legalistic or judgmental. But this is me, broken. I am lost. My identity is more ambiguous now, than when I was eleven. Here is my written journey about finding myself and trying to connect with God. I will not hold back. There are no secrets here.
God I am sorry for my weakness. I still love you and want You. I know I am being selfish. Please forgive me. I Chose you when I was eleven and still choose you. It is just harder now; harder than ever. Help me Father. I know I’ve repented many times. I am being saved and continue to work out my salvation. Help me trust you. Amen.