Sometimes we have to do the ugly cry

woman_crying_mWhen a new year begins I start longing for a boyfriend. I realize that the only major lacking in my life is romance. Romance seems to dangle in front of me, making me hope to obtain it, but when I reach out to grab it, it quickly moves further away. Most of the year I just gave up and pretended it wasn’t there taunting me. But then suddenly I have this feeling that I must have a romantic relationship in order to survive. It started to move from an emotional longing to a physical pain. I find my self rubbing the place over my heart because I can feel this dull pain where the longing is. When this happens I start to quickly find something to fill that longing. I begin testing the internet dating waters again, knowing full well it always leads to awkward dates and crazy guys who want to ge married tomorrow. I start to search among my guys friends who might be a suitable boyfriend and begin hoping there’s romance there. I begin to fixate on things to fill my longing. Then when I am tired of hoping I become cynical and every time someone asks when I’m getting married, my response is laughter.

Have you felt that gaping hole in your heart, leaving you unable to breathe?  Something is missing your life and you long for it so badly, you have a physical reaction to it?  Or maybe it’s not that dramatic, but there’s something you desire; something you long for.  Maybe it’s a quiet longing that bubbles up in your heart, some days barely noticeable but other days you can barely stand it.

Be careful when you are longing. Sometimes when we fixate our whole desire towards something, we act out of impulse to quiet the longing. We don’t think and just aim for what we want, regardless of what we are sacrificing in order to get it, like our relationship with God. Whether we want  money, a lover, or just the latest electronic or fashion trend, we need to take a deep breath and have self control. When we have knee jerk reaction to longing, we usually look back and realize we made a bad decision.

In our longing, let’s come before God and ask him to help us with this longing. Just because we want something, doesn’t mean it’s good for us.

Last week I showed up to church in a good mood. But as soon as the worship band started playing. I felt my longing rise to the surface. Suddenly I was stifling an ugly cry. My lips were quivering, and my eyes filled with tears. I hate having the need to cry when I’m in a public place. But I realized I had been shoving my longing deep down in my heart but now it was rising and I realized that if I was honest with myself I was upset that I’ve been single for so long. I don’t like to live my life focusing on what I don’t have. I try to pretend it not a big deal. After I finally let my self cry about it and I worshipped God despite my frustration, I gave it to God and asked for His will be done. That night, driving in my car I felt God say, ” Brandi, You have been seeking me and the Kingdom this whole year and you found a fulfilling joy in it right? Keep seeking me and I’ll provide what you need.” I remembered that verse,

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:28-33 I know it is talking about food and clothes but essentially it refers to God taking care of us. I think finding a husband or wife falls under that category. If we seek God’s kingdom he will take care of us. This has been true in the past and we have to keep believing that God is faithful. Let’s bring our longings before God and stop trying to fill them on our own. Let us ugly cry before God if we have to and just give it to him. God doesn’ t like to see us upset, but he waits with us, knowing what he has in store for us in His timing.

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