Maybe you think I’m being too hard on myself, but I know myself and it’s true. Sometimes I feel I might come off as a self righteous, know- it- all when I write this blog, trying to tell you all how to live a perfect little Christian life. If I’m very honest maybe I am self righteous at times without intending to be. But the reason I write is BECAUSE I’m a mess; because I’ve made mistakes and get tangled in this complicated life. I realize how easily I trip over myself, and fall into sin, or disobey God, or become selfish, or drink more than I should, or hurt people with my choices. I know I need a Savior and can’t live this life without God’s help. My own plans always lead to complicated, confusing, emotional, drama. I feel ashamed in those moments of failure. I feel like a hypocrite. I feel crazy and fed up with myself.
I write about things God calls us to do, according to his Word, but I don’t claim to follow them perfectly. God’s standards are ideal goals for us to aim for, but we can never be perfect on this side of life. I write about what I’ve learned from my mistakes, but sometimes I make those same mistakes again. I don’t write because I have all the answers and have my life all figured out. I write because God meets me right there in the thick of my sin, calling my name and rescuing me from myself. I have joy because every time I mess up, Jesus is calling me back to his grace. I don’t deserve God’s unconditional love. None of us do. But he loves us and calls us to healing and wholeness in him. And with my whole heart I desire to live in holiness and and delight in the Lord.
As I follower of Christ, as a friend, as a daughter, a sister, an artist, a writer, and a human being, I want to be vulnerable and transparent. I have nothing to hide. I’m not proud of my low moments, but they are real and I feel that God can use me more when I am honest about them. I don’t like to pretend I’m something I’m not. How can you trust me, if I’m fake? I need you to know that the reason I write and the reason I live for God is because I know I need God more than anything. Every time I think I don’t need him, I find myself flat on my face, at the foot of the cross, looking up crying out to God for help.
I’m writing this blog from a very painful place. My heart feels like like a tangle of emotions. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but basically I hurt someone I dated. It wasn’t intentional . I know I made mistakes and didn’t end things very gracefully. Like I said, I don’t know what I’m doing. Looking back I probably should have done some things differently. Things seem so much more clear in retrospect and I feel very embarrassed, and sad, that I hurt him, and that I lost a friend. I’m not writing this hoping he will read it, or for him at all. For a second I thought maybe he could read it and I could apologize again, but after more than one “sorry” apologies seem empty. But I’m writing this because I’m feeling all those feelings involved in a break up, and I want to write about it. I want to write from a honest raw place, in my awareness of the fact that I am a mess and God meets me here.
I have a feeling you might be able to relate. I don’t know you, but I know our human condition. I know we all screw up and sometimes it keeps us stuck for years trying to move on. The more we strive for God, we become un stuck quicker, but we never get the point in life where we “Arrive” and stop making mistakes. We need to stop beating our selves up…I’m pretty good at that. We need to make amends the best we can, forgive ourselves, and ask God for directions. If you are feeling ashamed or tired of your cycle of sin, I completely understand your struggle. You don’t need to hide. You don’t need to pretend you are perfect. God loves you and is calling you out of your mess. If you have hurt people with your choices and you feel a shame you can’t escape, there is hope for you to move on. After we make a mess of a situation, we can look to God and ask for a new perspective. What can we learn and how can we change our lives so we can avoid that pitfall again? Seek healing in community and find ways to use your pain to grow. No matter what mistakes you have made, when you come back to God, ready to listen to his plan, He will work for your good. He is our strength in weakness. He repairs our brokenness.
Life tends to be an ebb and flow of trial and error and thank God for his grace.